On Course For Success
Tupper Lake Golf Club Redesign Expected To Attract Extreme Enthusiasts
TUPPER LAKE - Tupper Lake tourism and town officials are pleased to announce the grand opening of the newly redesigned Tupper Lake Golf Club course. Adirondack residents are invited to explore and play the new X-treme course for free on the weekend of April 2-3, 2016. The course will open to the public on April 15th, 2016.
"Of course, our course has always been hailed as an outstanding public golf club. But, we are always striving to keep on top of trends, and attract new markets. And, while traditional golf may sometimes find us quite literally in the rough,” said Tupper Lake Town Supervisor, Betty Smallmeadow, “we think we’re on to something that’s going to keep Tupper Lake’s golf scene ‘above par.’ Or below par or whatever.”
Smallmeadow was speaking of the newest improvements to the Tupper Lake Golf Club course.
“Young people these days don’t golf quite as much because it isn’t extreme and it isn’t easy,” opined Tupper Lake Marketing Manager Michelle Climate, “I mean, nobody straps a GoPro to their head and makes videos of 5 hours of quiet frustration. You’ve got to change with the times,” she added, “so that’s what we did.”
Course Breakdown | Highlights
The course now features one-of-a-kind “extreme golf” elements that were designed to create a renewed interest in golf among Gen-Xers. “Remember the 90s? Everything was EXTREME back then: X Games, deodorant, Doritos… Heck even toothpaste! Then these Gen-Xers grow up and we just expect them to play regular golf?” The supervisor continued, “Plus, who’s got time to get any good at the game nowadays? I know I don’t.”
Some standard changes were instituted consistently across the course including the size of the holes: “All of the holes are now four feet in diameter. Except for hole number 14. It’s just one big hole. We figured that everyone needs a hole-in-one at some point in their lives. Just knock the ball off the tee and it’s in!” exclaimed the supervisor. However, each individual hole has been individualized to appeal to the younger masses.
- Hole 1: Start off with a bang! To add an element of danger, the entire fairway of the first hole has been lined with land mines. Town officials assure the visiting public that the land mines are very small and not very powerful. Though the mine field has “helped curb the ground hog problem immensely.”
- Hole 2: Features several pieces of art from notable graffiti artist, Banksy. The supervisor wasn’t as excited about this change to the course. “That wasn’t intentional. I turned my back for like ten seconds and that bugger had tagged up the place. But I’m told he's very popular, so we’ve decided to leave it.”
- Hole 3: A new water hazard that contains live crocodiles. The original intention was to get the crocodile from the movie “Lake Placid,” but that was abandoned due to the fact that the giant, 30-foot crocodile from the movie is fictional. “I wish someone would have told me that. I spent a week out on Lake Placid looking for that thing!” one of the designers complained.
- Hole 4: Golfers will find a raging fire trap. This new feature is a first of its kind. No other golf courses have a fire pit that burns 24/7. “On an unrelated note, I’ve fixed the town waste disposal problems,” the supervisor cryptically added.
- Hole 5: Features 47 birds of prey trained to attack small, white balls and golf carts.
- Holes 6-8, 10-13, 15: Have been removed entirely. “We don’t think that anyone will miss those,” the mayor whispered.
- Hole 9: Turned into a bar because research shows that 98% of golfers are only there for the adult beverages. The Tupper Lake Town Council is especially proud of the progressive move to include both beer and red wine at the bar to remove any gender bias.
- Hole 16: Must be played from the back of a dirt bike driven by Travis Pastrana. “He’s not as expensive as I thought. We pay him in mostly Red Bull and high fives. Though as part of his contract both he and the golfer have to be chugging Red Bulls while they execute the double back flip.”
- Hole 17: Converted into a airport runway. Golfers must take their ball up in a Cessna 172 and skydive back down to the course and land in the hole with the ball in their pocket. “The hardest part about this hole is staying focused and not getting distracted by the view from up there. If you think Tupper Lake is beautiful from the ground, wait until you see it from 10,000 feet up!” The supervisor added, “Oh and make sure you don’t land on the flag. That could be a little too extreme.”
- Hole 18: The course finishes with a kraken. Michelle Climate admitted, “That kraken may have been a mistake. We didn’t realize how ornery those guys are. I mean, he’s REALLY angry, like all the time. Plus, he keeps getting out of the water hazard and eating the crocodiles. It’s getting a little cost prohibitive.” When asked about the possibility of removing the kraken, Smallmeadow said, “Have you ever tried firing a kraken? Not only do they have a very powerful union, but they’ll also eat you. I think it’s easier just to keep breeding crocodiles.”
The course changes have been met with mixed reviews from local golfers and business owners. Some golfers are welcoming the new challenges. “I like the new course,” said David Walkplank or New Jersey, “I was debating giving up golf and joining a fight club, but this seems like a good compromise. Plus, I get to talk about golf.”
Leif Spandex of New Zealand was visiting the area and heard about the new course from Michelle Climate’s amazing marketing efforts. “We have something similar in New Zealand, except it’s mostly just sheep and dragons, but mostly dragons. I find this course to be refreshingly extreme.”
“I like that the town is trying to stay current,” said Mavis Muckleberry, owner of a local boat and canoe rental shop, “but that kraken is a pain in my backside. I think that he’s negatively affecting boating tourism.”
This new direction is sending ripples out throughout the Adirondack golf community. The Saranac Lake Golf Club is attempting to sign a 3-year contract with the Sasquatch to live on the twelfth hole. “We’re getting close to an agreement,” said Saranac Lake mayor Clive Rabidont. He continued, “He’s got some weird contract requirements, but I’m confident that he’ll soon be the most extreme golf feature in the Adirondacks, maybe the world. We are the X-treme Capital of the Adirondacks(TM) after all.”
Lake Placid course owners have stayed mostly quiet on these new developments in golf. “Lake Placid already has the market cornered when it comes to extreme things,” said a local business owner (who wanted her identity to remain secret), “Plus, I know where that croc is and Tupper can’t have it.”
The new “extreme features” of the Tupper Lake Golf Club course are sure to be a hit with the generation that coined the phrase: X-treme. Supervisor Smallmeadow welcomed all in her speech at the grand opening, stating, “We invite everyone who is sick of boring golf to come and check out our revolutionary course and, as the kids these days say, ‘GET PITTED!’ But not actually pitted because that fire is pretty hot.”
What about Millennials?
The changes to the Tupper Lake Golf Club course have freed up some of the holes to new uses. The supervisor explained, “We’ve nailed the Gen-Xers, but we’re also hoping to get Millennials as well. So some of the holes we took out of the extreme course have been given new life in our Hipster Holes Course.”
The mayor listed the Millennial-focused features of this revolutionary course, “Hipster hole six starts off with the golfers making their own hand-crafted artisanal golf balls and clubs from found items. But since most Millennials aren’t all that bright, most of the found objects are just golf balls and clubs.” The Supervisor then leaned in and added, “Maybe don’t put that last bit in there.”
“Anyway, hole seven has a craft micro-brewery. Hole eight will feature live music from bands no one has heard of yet. Hole ten is just a mirror. Hole eleven is all rough with no fairway. Hole twelve is a plate of food that they can take selfies with. Hole thirteen was replaced with slouchy beanie. And, we're all winners with bonus hole twenty which has no hole at all, which I think makes it ironic,” the supervisor took a deep breath and added, “We’re all very excited for new visitors to come and discover the new Tupper Lake Golf Course!”*
*The preceding story is fabricated in celebration of April Fools day, popular for the commission of good-humored practical jokes of varying sophistication.